Hi there! Do you feel me?

- November 02, 2019

...We are alone just like you said

Cold,Cold world

Life lasts

Only one thing left to roll

last year to learn...

It was 1 in the midnight. "Tick, Tick", the watch sounded. Lights? of course on !

What are you doing? Lying in the bed as sleep was within me but never in my mind. My mind behaves like it never wants a sleep. Actually things are getting pick in my head, oops!

Was the day bad? No day started in a charm, I went to walk with my friend, rounded 3 times the football ground, I came, bathed, ate lunch and back in the form to complete the task assigned, did the 25% only lol and went to college,sat on the first bench of course none in the side of my seat, lecturer came, he taught us very few, almost negligible things that are applicable in the practical electronics, most of the time he taught about the "ideal cases", I dreamed about the SpaceX new rocket "Falcon-9" which video that I had watched in the midnight a day before, ate lunch and again went to classroom and again dreamed of the same things that makes me wonder and smile, drank some gossips sitting with the people I was not used to, went to hostel after classes, lie down on bed, watched upside down to the tree near to my window,Conrad playing in the background in loop, dear fellows called for dinner but just lied them telling I ate already with my classmates, bow down under the table and searched some junk foods to eat, could find some noodles packets that I brought a few weeks ago, found some Murano chocolates inside of my drawer, ate them , drank one liter full bottle water and again lied down as I was tired of heavy works the day along, watched few videos send by my mates, they find it funny but I couldn't and I couldn't figure out why? They say that was the funny video they have ever watched but I could never realize what's funny on copying someone jokes and laugh like mad when the every steps that you take, make yourself feel fool on self and laugh, oh that's how people live with fool right? they call themselves to move on from the past incident when they couldn't stop hearing songs filled with tragedies and that makes them over think and memories the past incident they had with the person, they fought months ago in the name of superiorism and so called building a sense of foulness in second person they have connection with in present, ended up being just pathetic in-front of parents and lying to self telling you won't make this happen next time.

Don't you share what going on your head to someone: You know what, the more you try to give your traumas to the people , I mean share them with other, you will feel like you are the old margin of books, scratched rough pages, over and over again. It doesn't mean that I don't share, I have tried giving people what I feel. Moreover, I try not to deal with people, the way they treat me and I feel hurt. I try to understand people have same feelings as I do. Few months back or let's say a year ago, I tried people sharing my problems but as a result, there was no value of me, they trynna treat me like pathetic you know, how I feel afterwards? So it's better to handle within self or write in the journals as speaking to the one close to your heart. Sometimes, I control my anxiety, but still it gets spitted on the people who don't understand me, they call me a person with mental health disorder but I just give them a smile and walk away you know? That doesn't makes sense cause everyone in life goes through a state of breakdown even how happy your world is filled of. I have very few people in my life that matter to me and they mean a lot to me. They have become the reason I survive everyday. Watching them in my daily life or some are just like winter morning just rare sunshine of my life, brings a curve in my face and makes me feel stronger. Otherwise, whenever I feel low and if it's night time, I hear my favorite sober songs, cry and watch the moon from my window or if it's morning and I'm unable to do as my plan I go to walk alone or if it's daytime, I take a shower for like one hour under the shower and cry and everything feels and work normal. Or if this doesn't help me, I try to take nap listening to the soothing songs. We have to move on somehow and I feel everything gonna end whether good or bad or everything should be experienced perfectly. I love how my life has gone and taught me till now and I am trying to learn more things by behaving. Much often I also dream about the people who were so much attached to me and they are never now in this world, but somehow I think they are also teaching me something. I guess they are making me feel about to not repeat the mistakes, they had in their life and be a "true" person to self not for others.