FORLORN


"Stop making any excuses anymore, You are a little numb. You don't know what to feel and how to act, right? Stop seeking attention!  Hell ya' You don't belong here anymore"

"She used to go to library. Sitting in the front corner, facing laptop  screen whole day with PDFs on it, she used to nob her head for half and hour and jerk suddenly and go outside to drink water. And still she used to nob her head.  HA HA HA !!! Shitty little nerd, HA HA HA!!!


"You know? she used to be with her little laptop table during whole day. Sometime she even used to forget to shut down the laptop and even herself HA HA. She used to study the whole and even she was more laborious than me. I think she was trying to show them all. She was not exam-oriented, right? I think this environment is not suitable for her, I think "Engineering" doesn't belongs to her!!!



This are the words my "so-called" friends and dear one talk about me everyday this days. Everyone trynna  show their views on dishing and tattling over my matters. Not only this, this are the quick review I have been hearing after I couldn't be the one to sustain in  the world of "genius" one. But it is more hard to make yourself realize that you have done bad on study matters, until and unless you hear them from others. But the fact is not this. I haven't ever felt that I am the "good" one in the study matters. Yes, it is true that, you do and do for the long time but still you fall apart of the world.



But story doesn't ends here. I am not a "culprit" that they say. Every-time you try to convince "let the world say, you move forward" but still when you are alone and have nothing running through your mind or let's say empty house , you feel more lonely and think the things or matters that have been hurting you. When you don't want to think the all those stuffs you went through in last few years, they try to hit you more harder than the things you must consider to be more important.But every-time when things are going to be easy and I am more liking the time , It feels like they are much the "alarm" that life gives me more than a "happy time".


As I belong to the middle class family, it doesn't mean that I have not got the proper study facility of which I am lacking behind. I must always be more and more grateful to my parents in the matter of study, though I feel like they have never given me the enough time in the name of "earning" and "making our children an independent" and more even "our daughter independent". I and my little brother used to live with my cousins and my uncle's family where we were so much loved and taken care. But we were not that exposed to the outer world. I was like a total "nerd" which my friends say,  who don't know how the world really is and most often I used to think like "the world is full of peace, people are so good from inside as they show , people don't care about other's family matter and they are busy with their own stuffs". But the time ran by, I now realize that people are more seeking to see other's bad time. People are seeking for other's unhappiness and may they be able to feel pity on them by word only.


As the time went by, I got to meet so many people with different views and perspective towards me.Talking about the friends I have never been that bad in making  friends but still when i talk about keeping them to myself coming in today's day , I can now count them in my one hand fingers and they are the who know me quite well. They say "Everyone is bad in someone's story". But talking about myself and my friends that I have for long time , they are just not only attached by emotions but also by the resistance to the habit of mine, which more people find awkward after being with me for long time. I too don't understand myself, why am I so excited about the habits of the people to be friendly and cheering in the beginning ? and why I act like I am faded of their habits or let's say their thinking and way of living? That's why I said "I don't understand the outer world!".
I have a friend till now with me since my first day of school. We used to be a hosteler student in a very renowned school of Pokhara. We have a great memory from the very first day of the class 4. She and I sat on the corner of the class during study hour where the new comers were really excited to have new friend but she and I were really missing our home and for me I was really missing my little brother. As there was the pole with glowing bulb in the middle of the school ground in the classroom premises, we kept on  watching and kept on speaking to each other during study hours though we were not allowed to do that. One the one side we had fear of homesick and the next thing was we were so new to the environment. Still I miss the situation, where we both were watching at the bulb glowing and watching in each other's face with the tears in eyes. As time passed by she was good to me and more I was. Still we have so much of memories to recall and laugh like : running away from the out of bound areas stealing "aiselu" when we heard teacher's sound and laughing like mad in the HPE  and English classes full of fun and without any restrictions and no one would catch us doing them. Those school days so so much of fun.
The next friend I have till now close to me is a mad girl with braces. She is totally out of the world. We have been so much close since class 6. From running away after banging our foots in the middle of the night in hostel's stairs to make everyone think of ghost to share the "Vampire Diaries"  romantic scene line from the Novel, we had made so much fun.We used measure each other's thigh gaps and say who is slim and who is much beautiful. Still she makes us irritated sometimes by not understanding the things and situations but she is my personal motivational pill. She admires me to be confidence and to be moving with time. She is a cool coder and kinda want to show a "fashionista" within herself. She is totally a good daughter, she makes me think everything in positive way even if the times are not going good. Hope you are reading this too. And I wanna say that I am always grateful to have you in my life, we will be together in every steps.
The next one, but a guy. He was one year senior than me. We have good memories to remember.Every time when we had problems we used to compare to one another and argue whose one is bigger and then realize we both have problems and it's no way from arguing. Once we had a comedy moment. We were going to his home and then my father called and he asked me where was I then I lied him saying I am in my own home. And just at the moment I fell down in a "naali". And the truth revealed when I screamed out of hurt and he screamed out of laugh. And after that day I have never lied my parents about my friends. He revealed the magic, poetry out of me and I went up to National Slam Poetry. He used to make me ready for every battle and ways to run from the mistakes. He helps me in many ways, but now we are not that near and dear. He is paving his way to success and going to be an awesome man. Though we are not that close to each other now, I am sure that we will soon meet some day and pull out all those feelings when we were apart.As the time passed by I met like hundred of friends who were good to me but I never revealed myself and my some characters in them.With those whom I found myself I am still friend with them.
Next is a cool girl from my own hometown and she is like extraordinary. She is a CA student. She never feels failed, in her loss too. She is strength within herself. We have so many common characters from likes to dislikes and dress up sense to the things that scares us. We both are afraid of our dad in sharing them usual things also. But we are never afraid of truth. As the school days went by, many of them promised to be in touch and care for one another but this are the only people whom am I still connected to, from school days by soul.
After the completion of my basic study, I started living with my parents.I was understanding the outer world day by day.Scooter ride with mom round the city was so fun. Daddy's scold were a bit bitter but the act of him in the dinner time and jokes he used to tell were so funny and they made me smile every time remembering them. Daddy's late night bike ride and ice-cream serve were the most memorable one.Times passed happily.
In my high school, I had very beautiful girl as my dear friend. She was from another section but still somehow we used to manage to chitchat. In the morning classes days, she used to reserve me a seat. And we used to share our talks. In the interval time, I used to wait her in front of her section to eat lunch together. And many used to think that we were friend from childhood though we met each other in the high school. For the first time we met in the school bus where both of us were standing in the crowded bus when I asked are you from the same bus or not? She was so beautiful inside and out. She was crush of many guys in the high school. Whenever some guy used to talk to me , they would always ask about her and friendship between us. She was so bold and when she dream of something and always run after that. I was so much safe with her every time. I used to share my every happiness and my every "kan-kan" with her. She is now miles away from me and we don't even talk much in video calls but still she remembers me in her hard time and I too remember her and make her call and either cry like a mad one whether it is early in the morning or in the middle of the night or share my every joys with her.She try to fix them emotionally even though we are not physically closer.
After the completion of my high school, I went to one of the best University in Nepal. It was again tough to me to sustain in the new environment. As it was the engineering college obviously there were more guys than girls. I met like so many people with so many kind of thought about others. I couldn't find the best one out of them. As the time passed by, my socialization grew up to the height. I came up to know so many people. It was good for me but still at the same time I feared of loosing my original version. The person to whom I used to smile when meeting were turning out to be my hatest person. And I realize now that I used to make myself disappear in the crowds rather than finding myself. I started hating myself and it is the major cause that I am in this situation now. I used to dominate myself seeing other talents rather than learn and apply them in my life. Every night that used to be full in the dreams of cartoons and beautiful scenarios turned to the person I hated the most and turned to the dreams of horrors. During the intervals time after the lunch sitting alone in the class or in the corner of library I used to daydream. I used to get frightened when someone use to come close and say even "hi" to me normally.And I used to sweat all body.Slowly and gradually, I felt so much low and I started not to sleep at night thinking about life and the people around. I became the victim of anxiety disorder and slowly that turned out to the depressions. I was never giving my even 50% in my studies every time I used to be thinking of ridiculous days and I used to think of the wars and all and all the stuffs that made me feel hazardous. Even the self confidence went to the zero level. And my everything got ruined.My health, my study and my mentality and my everything.I got admitted to hospital for many times and slowly everything got ruined. I got pretty much attention from people regarding my health and my emotions which I hated the most.Like the person you don't know for the whole year called me and asked how my times are running.


This  days are the darkest days in my life and obviously the turning phase of my life. I have family with me right now, the most closest to me in this time. And I am feeling that back then "Me" is quite best then the earlier me and present me.The days are going to normal. Piercing needles for the blood test with so called "HIGH ESR and WBC rates" are like common this days.But still,Hospitals have been like attending university everyday.Mom's scooter ride and Dad's late night ice-cream serve, dinner jokes  are not much fun now.Travelling to the long distance walking hasn't been my favorite this days.  Breathing and Exhalation have been the normal thing and the big thing at the same time, I do everyday.Gaining wight and measuring thigh gaps are not fun now.Eating medicine like chewing "aiselu" isn't fun anymore. I have my family and 1 or 2 number of friends who are with me this time to encourage me to once again live the life happily.I am thankful to have this family and  friends in my life. I am unable to express the words towards them how thankful I am here for them for their support in my thick and thins. And if they are reading this they might understand. Yes and I have been dreaming the good days and the well spent fantastic days along back and I have hopes everything will go good sooner in the future and make me revolutionary.




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