For Ben

I remember when I was in my 8th grade, it was the first day after summer vacation. Our Nepali language teacher had given us some creative vacation homework to work. After few discussions on how we spend our vacation, she started a discussion on the questions that he had given us. Of which one work was to write any 10 news. She asked one of the guys sitting next to our seat and make him read his work. In between, he said a news that just devastated my seat partner into tears. He said that the great English singer Enrique Iglesias had died a day ago. It was hard for me to control her now, she was crying. I asked him if it was real or not. He just insisted it is true news. I felt very sorry for that. My seat partner used to share me every song she felt really good of the singer. After the language period was over, the guy just came to our seat and said that he was lying because he didn’t have any news to share. Oh, I just felt so relief for my seat partner, she also started to smile and pat the guy in his back for telling lie. I just took it as a fun moment because I had never been a fan girl of any celebrities. Time passed by, I too happened to become a fan girl of some great musician and singer. And now I realize what was my seat partner really feeling after she had heard the fake news. Ben, yes Ben Howard, I am a fan girl of Ben Howard not because he brings me butterfly in my stomach whenever I happen to see him in screen or listen to his songs but my life has really changed after listening to him. It’s been 18 months, ya just 18 months listening to him but he has my ode for the lifetime of mine.

When I am away from home, when I’m walking in the woods of pine that feels like home, I listen to “Old Pine” and murmur the lines that makes me alive in the lonesome of self and more feel like I am free as birds with weightless souls.

Whenever I am going to attend something really important in my life or if I am little bit dilemma in going to regular classes, I make myself ready to leave room playing “Keep your Head up” in background saying myself “Keep your heart strong, everything’s gonna be alright”

Whenever something really drags me down in my life or I don’t feel satisfied with my work, my heart these days says “I become what I deserve”.

I often seat in library if I have nothing to do or many things to do. Sometimes, when it is internals/boards coming nearer, I see everyone just panicking and preparing themselves for internals/boards rather than their knowledge, I feel so tired, look around and watch window near by me and watch beautiful day going to end with the purple sky. Meanwhile, I remember “Black flies” and start relating the song and old man in my imagination, lamenting his youth love.

I don’t have any real words to explain “Conrad” has made me feel in my life. Whenever, it’s raining outside and I’m just tired of everything in my life, I just seat in the chair near to window, watch the rain dropping and lost on beautiful memories of my life, listening to the particular song. Sometime when I really feel hurt because of other people or more often myself, I just turn out to this music and take a cold shower and clean up myself from previous mind, heart and eyes, telling myself, life lasts only one thing left to roll, last year to learn. Summertime sadness or winter glory or every morning prayer for God, thanking you have lived one more day again! This song just gives lil bit of fear for either doing good or bad. Fear for good, in the case if I’m good and dear to someone, they may make me feel bad for doing good and thinking them precious in my life. And fear for bad in the case, I may lose them, if I happen to hurt them. This song just makes me realize that we are forever moving on. I guess this song has become a beautiful reason to love Ben. This song mostly proves Ben is real gem for my life.

2019 was a complete battle year for me. When I turn out my old journals, I see how dark my thinking were. If I feel like loosing hopes from life, I just listen to “Are you ready” song and remember angels of my life, that made me put up to here. This song makes me feel to work from today itself for what I wanna be tomorrow cause tomorrow can sometimes let us down.

Dhulikhel has been my education center for last 2 years now. This city makes me face new faces every day. Sometimes it’s hard to be familiar with people who are not my type and I find it hard to resemble with them. And “London” song just hits my mind, make me feel miss my home town more, run leaving everything behind and rush where I come from, the place that has my identity.

After every college hour lunch, we a lil group of friend circle seat under and chill for some moment. They tell me to play some songs of Ben. I play “everything” “Time is dancing”, “Under the Sun”, “Master”, “Bones”, “Only love”, “These Waters”, “Hot heavy summer“, “Three tree town”, “The wolves”, “Soldiers” and many more songs and feel like young fan girl like the friend I had. My friend just complain sometimes that I just play songs which makes them dizzy and sleepy. And again, come to me after hearing the songs often I suggested them telling that “Ben is so underrated, he is really a nice musician”. And I say to myself “Ben Howard is not underrated, he is exactly who he needs to be. Attention in the media kills music and this is so pure it should always stay this way, a little bit hidden”.

Now no new music of him has been found these days. But I listen to the old songs again and again, The EPs, live, documentary and every interview. The live makes me feel more truly vision of his songs cause that seems in his face while singing them, the emotions just lovely.

Thank you, Ben, for being such an amazing human for my life. Your music is not a music, they are emotions for me to feel. I owe you!